Preferably Unplugged

Background: Julian organises for Piet to be interviewed on radio. This forms the chapter 'Free Advertising' in the book DLC23.

“So, Dad, how do you feel about radio?”

“As a means of communication, a broadcast medium, or an attempt at a retro birthday present?”

“Wow. That’s good. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Me either.”

“Sorry. It’s about you being interviewed on radio. There’s this guy on ABC radio who interviews interesting people. Actually, it’s more like a conversation being recorded. I was reaching out to see how to put you on TV again for no apparent reason, & someone suggested I try this guy. It’s legit - he loves the stories. He doesn’t have a big following, as such, but you have to think of what happens after you’re there - contacts. Maybe a commercial radio station will pick up the idea of … something.”

“You sell it so well.”

“Sorry, I’m not wearing my suit - it’s at the dry cleaners.”

It’s like one of those scenes from The Simpsons. My son, the comedian.

“Do I want to know why it needs to be dry-cleaned?”

“It’s been warm. If I’d spilled anything, Megan would have already killed me by now.”

I’m going to let that ride. I don’t want to point out that they are definitely acting like a married couple, & I’d rather they didn’t. Well, they can, up to a point, but … could they just not go past that point yet?

Meanwhile, my agent is possibly doing too much for me, too. I don’t know that I need radio, or what I’d actually do with it, but they tell me it’s a good thing & it’s not anywhere near as dead as others claim (like Queen, so long ago). It is more work, though, & I find it a hard matter to settle to business after so much leisure and pleasure.

“I’m going to be on radio,” I announced to all interested parties.

That would be essentially Cindy, because the kids really don’t care. My fame is either irrelevant or just accepted as fact.

“Your own show?”

She’s kidding. She hasn’t even looked up from her magazine.

“I bought the station.”

“That’s nice dear.”

Forget The Simpsons, I’m in a 50s sitcom. Mind you, I know she is desperately trying not to smile. This is Cindy still, & it is pretty exciting.

“Don’t wave any books you haven’t written yet.”

“Huh?”

“Radio.”

Fair call. So much for taking a prop. I hadn’t intended to, but you never know when one might come in handy. I should just leave that sort of thing to my staff. Cindy’s one of them … but I can’t remember what I put her in charge of. My person?

I picked up Megan on my way to the studio. Julian’s got a thing. Maybe his suit’s still at the dry cleaners. She’s wearing something I will guarantee she learnt from Jane in terms of slacks & a white shirt. The big difference is that Jane is probably a D cup & Megan’s a B. Trust me, the wide lapels will only work on one of those bodies. Also, I know Megan can handle heels, so seeing her in court shoes is weird. At least she’s not doing too much with her head - hair in neat array - as Sally told her to, the same style of large glasses I’ve always known her to wear. I think I’m over my librarian fetish. Thin lipstick & just enough foundation to hide any minor blemishes. She’s definitely learning from everyone in the family. Cindy’s taught her how to turn that kind of hair into a tail, too.

“So, we’re clear, right? I talk until you meet the man.”

“You know his name, right?”

“Who doesn’t know Jonathan Deakes?”

“Well, until someone explained his other name, I wasn’t so sure.”

“Oh! We’re not going to use that name. That’s like a stage name, & this is … the real person.”

“So … I’m not Daffy? Or Duck? Pietro?”

“Crap. Sorry, Piet … you are who you are. Julian should have sorted it. I didn’t think … crap.”

I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.

“OK, take a breath. It’s my problem. I’m the fool known by too many names.”

“Yeah, but I’m your … oh.”

“Yeah, you want to work on your name before we get inside?”

“What am I? I’m not your agent?”

“Today, you’re my Assistant. Will that do?”

“Yes - so much better than your Agent’s Assistant.”

“Call it a secondment. I’ll try to return you in working order.”

“Hey - I’m Piet Malone. I love your show.”

“No you don’t. You’re an attention seeking … book-pedlar.”

“Don’t all attention-seeking book-pedlars love your show?”

“Damn! You’re right.”

I like Jonathan. It’s that kind of no-bullshit that has kept his show grinding along looking for interesting people for years. Mind you, when he gives you a look that comes straight out of his TV alter-ego, you have to wonder who you’re talking to.

How do I describe him? He’s a presence. He’s got an absolutely charming face of calm competence, soft brown eyes, well-manicured hair going grey at the edges, he’d be at least mid-40s, tallish, solid-build. He could have played basketball, but I think any sporty interests were strictly limited to the sidelines. Then he smiles - not the one his alter-ego uses on TV, which makes you think he’s probably crazy, but one that says everything will be fine. This is how he interviews people who have a story - he puts them at their ease & then extracts the story from them. He doesn’t do celebrities, just people.

“Welcome, good people, you’re getting Real with Jonathan Deakes, & I have with me Dr Pietro Malone, who seems to be a walking headline these days, so I want to know what’s behind that, & he’s agreed to be interrogated. Welcome! I’ll call you Piet, shall I?”

“I’d like that.”

“But, of course, you’ve gone by so many names over the years, & it seems that the stories behind those names have been gathering over the past year to haunt you. I’ll just give some context for anyone who hasn’t heard of you. Paolo & Pietro Malone released their first cook-book - & I’m told there’s another one coming out soon. Duck Malone, as a part of a band out of Cessnock, released their first album, after being together for 20 years - the band now includes their children. One of your songs off the album is used as a jingle in the Newcastle area. You released a novel, as Daffy Malone, & they tell me it’s the first of … many! Then, to top it off, you promised your new best buddy on live TV that you’d release a book of poetry, which you did. Based on all this fame & glory, you quit your job as a public servant & now run a restaurant with your brother. Did I miss anything?”

“That’s the craziness my life has been.”

“That’s just this year.”

“Well, yes. Most of my life has been … less interesting.”

“Really? Hmm. I have notes. It was hard to grab just a few highlights. You have five children, ranging from 20 to 1 - impressive. I understand your eldest is your Agent?”

“Yes, but he couldn’t be here, so I have his girlfriend with me to tell me what to say.”

“You got your PhD in Literature at Macquarie.”

“That’s a lifetime ago - I studied there for … ten years I guess, in total.”

“Working part-time as a lecturer, a copy editor, & a shelf packer at Blueys for four years!”

“Let’s just call that a typical student approach to getting by. My parents strongly believed in each of us making our own way in the world with a little push to start us off. Best idea ever. Love to my parents - Patrick & Maria.”

“You’re the youngest of six, Italian mother, father of Irish heritage.”

“The rocks on which my growing up was tethered. Two strong cultural opinions. All of us seemed to have worked out OK as a result, so … be multicultural, people - embrace your past.”

“You grew up in Cessnock, but you’re not a local, right?”

“No - I was born in Grafton - we all were. We moved to Brisbane when I was a baby, then moved to Cessnock when I started high school. I left there for Uni & have lived in Sydney ever since.”

“Ever thought of moving back?”

“I have a lot of friends there, but only my parents; no other family.”

“They would be friends from the band? 20 years!”

“That’s just plain silly when you put it like that. A big shout-out to St Columba’s. We were a pretty standard high school band with big dreams, but we didn’t really start playing until our final year, so it all kind of broke up when some of us left town after year 12. We had a reunion about ten years later for a 30th birthday, then we had another reunion for my wedding two years ago. That’s when we decided to record a single. That led to the album.”

“Well, it’s not exactly a chart-topper, but I’ve heard it, & it does have some interesting tracks on it.”

“Thank you. It’s about half material we played way back & the rest has been written since. It’s an homage to missed opportunities & youth.”

“You write the songs - I see your name everywhere on the cover.”

“I write the words, then I get help to actually put some music together - & I just pester everyone until someone agrees to co-write.”

“& then you sing your words.”

“Well, you can’t get everything right. The funny thing is that I rarely even did backing vocals when we started, & Polly, who sings with me, was hidden away up the back when we’d perform, as a backing singer.”

“How did that change?”

“I accidentally got some voice training & a bit of practice, & the other guys just didn’t sing - strangely! Ten years without singing can lessen your ability to pick it up again, I guess. I’m no expert, but … don’t stop singing. Practice!”

“& don’t stop believing, right? Your books were conceived a long time ago.”

“Yes, I guess you could say that while the band had its first break, I was writing books & poetry … & more songs.”

“The college resident poet. It’s real, then? Your adventures. They’re a little … how shall I put this? Hard to believe.”

“I know! & I was there.”

“So, you’re saying that it all happened like that?”

“Oh no! It’s quite possibly a work of fiction that’s been peppered by real experiences. I mean, I am not Daffy - I kept telling people that back then. I’ve seen what Daffy’s seen. I’ve let Daffy have his own opinions - some of which I don’t fully agree with personally.”

“Daffy is your out-of-body experience of events.”

“If you like.”

“It’s … one hell of an interesting experience, I must say.”

“But that’s what makes for fiction, right? Good fiction has to be close to the truth, without, say, libel. I had to change a lot of names at least. Look how Bryce Courtney moulded his past into an inspirational best-selling work of fiction.”

“& while you were writing books, you were also writing a thesis about books.”

When I cannot see words curling like rings of smoke round me I am in darkness—I am nothing.

“Indeed. If you like, it was a study of how what writers write - in this case, modernism, affects the way that writing is packaged & then perceived by the broader media. At the height of modernism, artists would do covers for magazines of new work - prominent artists like Sydney Nolan, & this would be discussed widely. Scandals would then hit the broad distribution media - newspapers. The world of the arts was important because those who got involved as patrons of the arts were the ones who owned newspapers. That’s gone now - media companies are too large. They have so many shareholders that the medium has no personality. There is a distance between those who write & those who run the enterprises that produce magazines, even TV.”

“The ABC hasn’t changed.”

“Exactly - so, where do you find an arts program on TV? The ABC … but where else?”

“You’re rather passionate about … what is it? Publishing? Literature?”

“Words. I like to arrange words - put them to music, to rhyme, on the page. I like to get the message right when they’re published or released.”

“& classified?”

“Yes, when I was working in literature classification, our job was to make sure that the public could rely on the words reaching the right audience … as long as they followed our recommendations. We didn’t ban too many books - ever! - but giving a book the right classification means a lot to the author, as well as schools & parents.”

“Even your book?”

“It might have been a little … questionable if I’d seen my own book pass through. There are processes in place for that - it’s the public service, they always have a process - but people would ask how it could be appropriate for young adults, for example.”

“Was that your audience?”

“I didn’t have an audience when I wrote. I had an idea - a guy in his early 20s, surrounded by people ‘much’ younger (when in fact it’s only a few years), & effectively responsible overnight for 200 souls. It’s about those 18 or 19 year olds. It’s about his peers, in their early to mid 20s dealing with young adults & looking up to people over 30. Call it a coming of age, if you like … although those usually are for 16 year olds.”

A mighty lewd book, but yet not amiss for a sober man once to read over to inform himself in the villainy of the world.

“Maybe you should write one of those - when you were forming the band.”

“I suspect that, if I did, then it would be … not quite for a teen audience.”

“Oh?”

“I was a terrible teenager. Looking back - & comparing to my 16-year-old at home - I was wild & arrogant & lucky, to say the least.”

“Well, you did run out of luck.”

“Yes … or you could say that I got really lucky. My girlfriend at the time got pregnant because we were practicing Catholics, & my eldest son is now studying Media at Uni.”

“You’ve only known him a few years, though, is that right?”

“Indeed - I knew nothing about him, then he just popped up. He was finishing high school & he supposedly wanted to interview me, as a professional reviewer, for a school project - remotely. He kept saying that his camera didn’t work, which happens. He got into some semi-personal questions before it even occurred to me that he knew too much. He then revealed his image … it was like stepping back in time & seeing a reflection of myself at the age when he must have been conceived. That was … confronting.”.

“But you seem to have a good relationship now - he’s your publicity agent, right?”

“Instant rapport. I don’t know how to describe it. His mother did a fantastic job without me being on the scene, & he’s now very much a part of my extended family since he moved to Sydney.”

“Well, it just so happens that he’s here.”

“He is? That’s not fair - Megan said he was busy!”

I looked around. There he was - on the other side of the glass.

“See: kids, they never stop surprising you.”

“Come on in, Julian. Tell us more about your father.”

That had to wait, because I had to hug my son in greeting.

“Sorry for those listening, Piet Malone is hugging his son. It shouldn’t take too long, but he has Italian heritage, so he’s not in any hurry just because he’s on radio.”

“Jonathan! I hope that’s not a slur against Sydney’s vibrant Italian community - you’ll never get a restaurant booking again! Quick plug for Chicken & Duck - we understand Italian food & family.”

“No! I’d never disrespect Italian restaurants. I love my pizza too much to say anything against them … & here’s a free plug for Bambino’s Pizzas in my suburb. Wood fired & guaranteed to warm your heart. Julian - welcome.”

“Thank you for allowing me to pull this stunt on Dad. I had to tell him my suit was at the dry cleaners, otherwise he would have thought it weird that I came into the booth to monitor his output.”

“He hasn’t said anything too controversial yet, so you haven’t missed much. But tell me, what’s it like being best man at your own father’s wedding?”

“That was … amazing. It was the first big family event I’d been to, & … a Malone event is a big thing for a big family. Before I met Piet, I lived with my mother & grandmother & the rest of my little world revolved around school. Piet gave me three more grandparents & uncles & aunts & siblings & cousins & … an explosion of … I’m going to say it: so much family love.”

“You seem close now. How does your mother feel about this?”

“She’s cool. I guess I don’t see as much of her as I should as a result.”

“Oh, speaking of which, she told me to tell you to go home for a few days, so yes, I’d say you haven’t seen her for a while.”

“When did you speak to her?”

“Last weekend. You weren’t answering your phone, so she assumed you were with me or dead. You’d better be dead if you don’t go visit!”

“You know the mic’s live, right?”

“Sure - visit your mum. This goes to all the guys out there - whether you’re in a new city & just starting your independence, or else you’re getting on a bit & have kids of your own. Visit your mum. She’ll appreciate it, & you will eventually learn to appreciate her.”

“I am so glad you waited for me to get here before you went off script. He did this to me when I wanted to introduce my girlfriend - he forced me to go visit Mum, so I tricked him into being there the same day.”

“Script? You should definitely be spontaneous. Ring your mum today, out of the blue - ask her how she is, what she’s up to; tell her what the kids are doing, when you’re going to visit. It’s easy with a little practice.”

“& when did you ring Nonna?”

“Come on, Julian, you know she rings me on Sunday nights if I haven’t spoken to her before.”

“Yeah. Maybe I should ring her, too - just to be spontaneous.”

“Ring your mum first. Jonathan - how does one subtly ask someone if they have a mother?”

“Sorry? Oh. Yes. I guess I haven’t visited mine … for too long. Fair point. I should. Family, huh? You seem passionate.”

“You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family, so deal with it.”

“Would you call it a close family? Julian, what do you think as an outsider?”

“The way he & Uncle Chicken work together is … well, it’s nice to watch. Uncle Small turned 40 recently, & Dad organised for everyone to turn up at my grandparents' place in Cessnock & just surprise him - from Cessnock & Newcastle & Coffs Harbour & Brisbane. Nonna was probably cooking & baking for days to prepare it, too. That’s what family is.”

“Getting closer to home - your young family, Piet?”

“That’s one of the joys of running a restaurant - I spend a lot of time at home in the mornings with my 1 & 2 year olds - & often my 3 year old godson.”

“& Cindy?”

“You’re going to make him go misty-eyed!”

“A big shout-out to my beautiful wife Cindy. I love you with all my heart. I hope you’ve got the radio on, Babe, preferably taking a break from your own hectic schedule - quick plug for CinClair Choc Inc for all your private party organisation.”

“Oh dear - this is the ABC.”

“Good thing I brought my own commercials, huh? I haven’t even given a plug for ‘Disband My World’, which is our album, ‘Daffy Lives in College’, my book, & ‘Words for my Wife & Daughter’ which is the book of poetry. There’s always the cookbook ‘From the Kitchens of Chicken & Duck’. The restaurant … Julian, do we have a proper blurb for the restaurant?”

“I don’t know, Dad, am I an agent for the restaurant? I thought I only covered personal publicity. Maybe you need … Aunt Sally would love to be the agent for the restaurant!”

“OK. Thanks, guys. I think we’re running out of time. I just would like to say what a pleasure it’s been meeting you both. I have a few things to deal with now - such as ringing my mother & telling my wife how much I love her, & possibly reaching out to my own brother. You’ve been listening to Piet & Julian Malone - the new comedy double act & relationship counsellors. I’m Jonathon Deakes & this has been Real.”