Birds & Boys

Background: After the loss of Jeffrey's mother, Piet checks in to see if he needs to fill in gaps in the boy's education. This forms the chapter 'Birds & bees & stuff' from the book DLC22.

After Jeffrey exposed his general interest in the fairer sex, I thought it best to check that he’d had the appropriate input to his education to cover what happens next. Given his age, it’s bound to be my problem, but given what they do in schools these days, he’s probably so confused & embarrassed by it all that we need a man-to-man to clear things up.

I did what all fathers of boys this age do - I rang an older brother for advice.

“Pollo, penso di aver bisogno di aiuto con gli uccelli e le api.”

It took him quite a while to stop laughing.

In a stream of tears, “Chiedi adesso?”

It’s not like he misunderstands me, but he is seriously enjoying my embarrassment, so I’m falling back on English.

“You’ve had ‘the chat’ with Peter, right?”

“Oh! Boys & birds & bees!”

I really hope he’s not talking out loud in his lounge room, because he really is being loud.

“Yes - we’ve talked. He told me some pretty amazing stuff. I had to explain a lot to get him back to reality. Schools today - I think they start too early & leave too much to the imagination, you know?”

“So, here’s my big question - how did you start the conversation?”

“It’s Jeffrey, Picco - just bring up anything close & he’ll know what you’re talking about. Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Fat lot of good you are. & stop laughing at me! I just feel as though there’s this downside of pushing the kid into thoughts he’s not ready for, & I don’t know how to gauge that. Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

We took a ball down the road to the park … a Rugby ball. He’s watched some games & he gets that it’s nowhere near as simple as he thought. I’m excited. I’m also distracted, because this was meant to be a subtle chance to bring up the topic of things that happen naturally, like in a park.

“Jeffrey, we can talk about anything, right?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“As your father … I have a duty to bring up the topic of …”

“Sex?”

“Sex.”

“We had a video & Q&A at school last year. I think it’s meant to be a topic in Health. Still waiting for that.”

“It’s weird, but, I feel like I need to make sure you have … information. I want to make sure you feel comfortable asking me any questions. Or if you want to ask Julian ...”

“I’m OK talking to you - I mean, if it’s embarrassing for you …”

“Dude, it’s meant to be embarrassing for you! This is my first pass at this, & I just don’t know what you know or how much you want to know.”

“Oh! OK. I guess I know enough … I’m not going to … umm.”

“Yeah, see - that’s what I mean. I want you to be comfortable to tell me that you have feelings for a girl, that you’ve kissed a girl, whatever.”

“It’s kind of the whatever, right?”

“I hope you’re a year or five away from having sex. It’s cool, whenever, but every parent hopes their kid doesn’t jump in without at least some forethought & knowledge.”

“Pregnancy?”

“So many other complications around diseases - really bad ones that can’t be treated or effectively could ruin your life.”

“So they said. It’s real, not … bullshit?”

“Yeah - they might make it sound bad intentionally, but the stats still indicate it can happen to you. Or, you can take a risk & be lucky - who knows, right? Do you feel lucky?”

“Not particularly.”

“Good plan. Definitely not worth the risk.”

“Kissing a girl is fine?”

“Mostly - there are some minor things you can get from kissing, but mostly treatable.”

“Really? I thought …”

“Lips to lips, tongues, sharing fluids. It can happen. Not really scary, but can be annoying, painful, embarrassingly obvious when your lips go funny.”

“Man! Why would you want to, then?”

“When you feel drawn to a woman - & I’m just going to assume right now that we’re talking girls - sometimes, their lips are irresistible. Sometimes, you just have to kiss them, out of curiosity, need, desire, or worse, because if you don’t, someone else might, & then you’ve lost your only chance.”

“Wow. That’s how it is?”

“One day, it might be. Maybe you’ll be lucky. Maybe you’ll find a girl, & you’ll stare into each other’s eyes for a bit & think ‘she wants to kiss me, I want to kiss her’ & you slowly come together & gently touch soft lips & the world stands still, & you’ve shared a wonderful moment.”

“It’s never the same?”

“Never! You just have to be aware of what your feelings are, learn how to react to women, train yourself to act when it’s right & resist when it isn’t. Try to listen to your brain & not be led around by your dick.”

“My …!”

“OK, that might be crude, but that’s what it comes down to. You’ll get erections when you see pretty girls. Fine. You don’t have to follow her around, because some other girl might be just as pretty on another day. You’ll feel an urge. Think about it. You don’t have to do anything about the urge - it’s your body.”

“I haven’t had … an urge. Just erections.”

Yeah, we know about those - embarrassing, pesky things. I didn’t smile, I promise.

“Some people don’t feel the same urges. Some guys can master their erections, some can’t. It’s a biology thing, I guess. I don’t even think it’s willpower.”

“What if I don’t have a big … dick?”

“You’re worried about size already? In the change rooms, guys compare dicks. The biggest dick has the smallest brain - regardless of how big his dick is. It will happen. It means nothing, because if you’re interested in girls, you don’t care what a guy thinks about your dick.” 

Jeffrey is laughing at this point.

“Piet - you’re not embarrassed anymore.”

“OK, so try to embarrass me.”

“How often do you & Cindy have sex?”

“You know, it’s great that you don’t know.”

“Huh?”

“It means we’re not disturbing you. Sex should be a very personal thing - to me, anyway. Anyway, to answer your question: until your bump of a sister makes it inconvenient, most nights with a monthly gap of a few days.”

“Monthly gap?”

“I finally found the hole in your knowledge: when a woman is menstruating, you don’t have sex.”

“How come?”

“You know what’s happening in her body, right?”

“The lining of the uterus is expelled.”

There’s a quote for you. Sex education from a textbook. That just doesn’t do it justice.

“It’s blood & stuff. Little bits over days. You don’t need to be near that.”

“Yuck!”

“It’s a perfectly natural process. You just shouldn’t interfere with it. Also, women get a little sensitive - they can get stomach cramps & all sorts of stuff at the same time, so they kind of lose interest.”

“What do you do then - what are you doing now?”

“I hold her gently & show how much I love her by telling her, by touching her in any way she likes - massage, back-rub - & by being there for her.”

I am telling a 13-year-old how his parents love. Oddly, I’m OK with that. He’s just listening, rapt. Then silence for processing.

“How do you know when you’re in love?”

“OK - that’s a really big question. No-one ‘knows’, because love isn’t an absolute. You listen to your heart, you question the little feelings, & work out how much is love or else physical lust, & what you’re comfortable with, & how the other person feels about it all. When the stars align & the eyes shine, then she is thine.”

“Did you love Mum … Amber?”

It’s no surprise that he’s asking. It’s an area I do have difficulty with, because I know what he’s going to ask next. I’ll spin this out while I come up with the right words. There aren’t any, of course, there’s only ‘right enough’ words. Words for a teenager. Words for her son. Words for my son.

“Yes. She was … amazing. She was also a challenging woman to love. She didn’t look for love, because she already had the love of her family - you & Cindy - & that was enough for her. I fell in love with that competence, but also that wonderful woman she was, & she let me love her, & we were then in love together.”

“Then, if you loved her, how come you love Cindy now?”

“Simply put, I love Cindy in such a different way. She isn’t your mum. In many ways, she’s nothing like Amber. But her genuineness, as a person, is the same, & her love is … less reticent. She fell in love with me first, I understand - now, this is just between you & me! - I helped her out when she needed someone to talk to. Then, when Amber died, we needed each other, & after a while, we worked out that it was more than simple need & the feelings we already had for each other, it was a respect for each other, a need to have each other in our lives, to be together: love.”

“You still love mum - Amber?”

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

“I still love the memory of your mum. So does Cindy. She can’t replace her sister - trust me, I offered to lend her mine. In the same way, we: Cindy & I, can’t replace the memory of your biological parents, in your heart. We don’t want to. We each loved you before we had the responsibility for you, & we accepted that responsibility out of love, out of wanting to be with you & to have you in our lives, our life. That’s the love of family.”

The stoic little bugger will make me cry explaining this to him before he sheds a tear, I’m sure. Meanwhile, we’re just sitting on a bench, not passing the forgotten football.

“Piet? I do love you - & Cindy & Mum & Dad. All of you.”

“Thank you, son.”